FNP War Story

During FNP #52 there was a Storytime with Grandpa Rawby segment in which he told this spectacular tale. This point of view is Robby telling the story to his grandchildren.

This takes place in the future. The Friday Night Podcast is over. We’ve all parted, sadly, our separate ways in life. We’ve all gone to college. We each haven’t talked to each other in like 10 years. Its really sad. But. Here’s where is gets good. The war with ISIS started really heating up, but we beat them. The Islamic State of Iraq and Syria has been defeated by the allied powers. We’ve resupplied the areas in Syria with weapons to defend themselves in case ISIS ever starts again. But another terrorist organization comes up from the BUT THEY’RE EVEN WORSE THAN ISIS! So the draft starts. What are the odds? We go in there, we all get our heads shaved, and we’re sitting down on the bench and I’m just sitting there all by myself all by my lonesome and then I hear “Its ya boi!” And I look over and I’m like “Whaat?” And I see Andy and he’s going like cool guy pose*. And I’m like “It’s ya boi Andy!” Then we just hear “Rawby?” And I look over and it’s Jack with his head shaved and he’s like “RAWBY!” And we’re like “Jeck!” And its like a whole big FNP reunion. And then they’re like “You! Line up!” and we’re like “Ah!” and they’re like “The three of you, tank squadron.” Also, by this time most of Canada has been assumed by the United States. We get in the tank and we’re being deployed on our first mission but because like me and Jack have never seen his face we’re like going into enemy lines and we’re talking to the general and he’s like “Alright go on to position three or whatever.” And we’re like “Oh, crap we’re going to the position who’s on the gun?” And then we hear “I’m on the gun” And we look up and we’re like “Oh, we didn’t see you get in here” And then Andy’s just like “Marcus??” And he says “Its ya boi Andy!” We’re going through the streets of a destroyed Syria in our tank. I’m like “Alright Andy, where do they want us at” And he’s like “Uh next to that building right there. We’re meeting up with battalion 27 or whatever I don’t know” I’m like “alright” so I drive up there. So Jack gets his Raider CS-35 and Andy gets the Vulcan EBF-25 and Marcus gets the Titan. We’re driving up and we’re in like an intersection and I’m like “Alright, we’re gonna stop here” BOOM ROADSIDE BOMB! They got us be surprise! The tank flips over! They spooked us! So we’re flipped over we’re all like bloody and like scarred and stuff and we’re all like “AHH!” I’ve got like almost a mortal wound to the heart or whatever but like every place except my heart its like every possible place that I could get hit and not die I got his at but I’m like immobile so I got my Nerf Strongarm CS-10 but I’m on the ground and Jack’s like “RAWBY!” He’s trying to medic me and he starts taking pictures and I’m like “JACK, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!” There’s bullets flying over us and he’s like “ITS BEEN TOO LONG!” We’re all doing stuff and Marcus is like “INCOMIIIIING!” And a rocket comes and knocks a building over next to us. Bricks start falling down. We’re getting hit. Andy gets knocked over, he’s on the ground now so he's paralyzed from the waist down temporarily. He’s also deaf. So we’re like “Andy! Andy!”(Andy does not hear them but sees Jack taking pictures of him) Robby’s trying to pick up Andy’s arm and walk back and Jack is like “meeeeeemes! This is going in the groupme!” We’ve got limited cover. We’re just behind a flipped over tank and the terrorists are getting closer. So I’ve just got a pistol at my side. The only ones that are okay are Marcus and Jack. Marcus has been like blasting at them the whole time trying to cover us because he’s up on the gun. They start getting closer and Marcus sees Jack taking pictures of me and he’s like “FIGHT BACK! PICK UP THE GUN!” And Jack’s like “One more-“ This was right before taking the perfect meme picture of Robby on the ground making a cringe face with a desk from the fallen building on top of him. Marcus thought he got all of them and Robby was giving a cringey thumbs up and right before Jack could take the picture a sniper bullet went through the phone. His eyes dilate until they’re all black. Classical epic music starts playing. He sheds a single tear. Then its exactly like the scene from Attack of the Clones when Anakin’s mom dies. We see David getting shot and falling over. Marcus is like “We gotta get back!” Andy’s like “WHAAAT?” and he’s still trying to shoot back. A bullet comes and hits Andy right in the wrist. Then Jack gets so mad because they shot his phone with all the memes on it and there’s no way to get all of them back. He had been saving all of them for years. He hadn’t uploaded them to cloud and he hadn’t saved changes. Jack turns and he sees the flicker of the scope glass up on the top of the building and he breathes in heavily and angrily. So Jack fearlessly grabs the gun and runs through the battlefield and we’re like “JACK! NOOO!” And he’s dodging all the bullets and everything is blowing up to the side of him. Not once does he look away from his target. He sidesteps an explosion and keeps going, still without breaking eye contact. HE KEEPS GOING. HE TAKES A KNIFE AND CLIMBS UP THE WALL. Meanwhile we’re less like “JACK NOOO” and more like “is that?.. can he do it?!... YEAH!!!” We all get up and start shooting to cover him. Jack’s climbing up the wall, we’re shooting back and we’re like “we got em!” and he does like a triple backflip or whatever and he stands right behind the sniper and the sniper slowly turns back. Jack is staring him right in the face and he’s doing the heavy angry breathing. And he’s like “You can attack my country… You can shoot my friends… But don’t you EVER. TAKE. MY. MEEEEEEEEEEMMMMMMMMEEEEEESSSS!” And then he punches his hand into the sniper’s chest and grabs his heart and yanks it out. At this point it gets quiet. The terrorists and us are all completely silent. Then we just see the sniper standing extremely still on the top of the building then he slowly falls off the side of the building. Jack is just standing at the top like “AHHHHH!” Then he gets out a white desk and a computer and decides to make a video about this. He starts recording and he says “Hello. This new terrorist group that came after ISIS is caused by ISLAM.” He gets all political about it and then he takes the sniper and he’s shooting back at the terrorists but they’re so scared of him that they’re running away. At this point President Donald Trump comes up to Jack and he’s like “You’ve done good, General Nelson. Very high energy, Jack.” He gives Jack the Medal of Honor for ripping out that guy’s heart. Jack basically becomes Captain America so he just comes into the building but instead of the Captain America shield design it’s the Don’t Stop Me Now clock on the shield. He bursts into the build and shoots dramatically at many terrorists. Jack goes on to become the greatest general in American military history. Me, Marcus, and Andy are just sitting there back at the tank all like mortally wounded and we’re like “You think he thinks about us sometimes? You think he thinks back to that day?” One day we were in a bar saying like “Man, its great, he’s gone on to such bigger and better things. I wonder if he still remembers us.” So someone says “So, did you see that new Ben Affleck movie? He does a really good job as Batman.” And then we heard the bell at the door ring. Jack opens the door slowly and says “Did someone just say… Ben Affleck is Batman?” We all slowly turn to face Jack. We’re like “You’re such a high ranking guy, what are you doing in such a low energy bar like this?” Jack’s like “Well, I need a crew with me to go on a mission. Its real dangerous. I’m forming a special team. I need three of the best men/memes/dankest memers I know. You guys gonna do it?” I finish off like a whiskey glass and I put it down and I’m like “Don’t Stop Me Now.”