Satanic Dirt Santa

During FNP #10, Jack conjured a delightful and heartwarming story about Christmas. Here it is.

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the night Timothy the mini played with such a fright. He was playing in the snow time after time. I’m not doing the rest of this story in rhyme. Timothy the mini was sitting in the snow playing with the white particles and stuff, having fun, having Christmas cheer, having a great time when all of a sudden, he crawls over this place and it feels pretty soft and not quite right and he falls right through the ground into this lair within the earth. He’s inside the earth underground and he sees this Santa and he’s got dirt all over his face. Santa said to him “Ha Ha Ha, Merry Christmas!” except MUCH scarier than that. So Timothy the mini screamed out loud of course and he sees a bunch of elves around him, around Santa. And they’ve got these red eyes, all the elves. And they’re about to go towards him and they got their arms out like this and they’re coming closer and closer. And eventually Timothy the mini was so scared that he climbs up that little area where he fell through, goes back up, he’s on the ground now. He’s traumatized and he keeps playing in the snow and he’s thinking “wow… Christmas sucks.” So a bit of backstory, Timothy the mini gets to see all the main guys of holidays. On Easter, he gets to see the Easter bunny. On the fourth of July he gets to go back in time and see George Washington. On Halloween he gets to talk to ghosts and all that good stuff. So on Christmas, naturally, he sees Santa. And he loves all holidays. He loves them. All of them. When he sees this dark Santa, he gets a little discouraged. He’s like “Wow, this is the first time that I’ve seen a holiday that I may not actually like. I thought I would like it because of all the snow and the ornaments I’m putting on this tree its all its so great.” But, he feels a little discouraged by this satanic Santa. That night, all of a sudden, while still playing in the snow, he’s taken up into the clouds, all the way up. He’s now in the clouds and he sees in the distance some Care Bears. These Care Bears look very scary. Actually, they don’t look scary, they look very nice. They look incredibly nice. There’s like two layers of Care Bears and right in the middle you see the classic look you would see of a Santa Claus. It looks like the real Santa and not the Satanic Dirt Santa. So, naturally now he’s like “Wow, maybe this holiday isn’t bad after all!” So he starts running towards them and he gives Santa a big hug cuz he just thinks about it and he’s like “Oh, Santa I love you!” And he’s like “Ha ha ha!” And all the Care Bears are like “Hey, you wanna come into the cloud and see all the gifts we’re wrapping for children?” And he’s like “Yeah, sure, sounds great!” So they all go inside. And Santa leads the way and he shows all the action figures he’s getting for all the kids: the turtle man, the legos, all that good stuff. And they go to the Barbie aisle and they’re like “See these Barbies? They’re pretty girly right? You probably wouldn’t like them.” He points at the other aisle “BOY BARBIES! AHHHHH!” Everything seems great. The Care Bears have nothing but good news for Timothy the mini and Santa. And then they go to the Hot Wheels aisle and show him, you know, the Hot Wheels for Ralph, for Billy, for Mark. Then, Timothy the mini trips over a banana and falls to the ground. He’s like “Oh, no!” And then one of the Care Bears is like “WHAT THE HECK!? WHY WOULD YOU TRIP OVER A BANANA, I HATE YOU!” And then he kicks him in the balls and the face until he starts bleeding. And then ALL the Care Bears start doing that to him like in like pairs. Eventually, they’re so mad he tripped over that banana that he falls out of the clouds and back onto the snow area that he was at and he’s like “… man, and I was thinking that Christmas was going to be good.” So then, for the next few hours of Christmas Eve, he receives countless letters from the Satanic Dirt Santa. They’re pretty vague. One of them says “Hey, Timothy, I really wanna speak with you.” The next one says “Hey, Timothy, please, I wanna speak with you.” The next one in all caps “TIMOTHY LET ME SPEAK WITH YOU!” And then next one says of course “TIMOTHY LET ME SPEAK WITH YOU!!” The next one says “TIMOTHY THE MINI I AM NOT KIDDING I WANNA SPEAK WITH YOU!” And it keeps happening all night long. He barely gets any sleep, Timothy the mini. And Christmas morning, he sits by the fireplace with his presents feeling a little bit down that these presents came from such horrible Santas. And he feels so horrible about Christmas and it doesn’t feel right. He’s very disappointed. And his parents finally come down and they’re like “Timothy, open your gifts from Santa.” Timothy opens up one of his presents and sees that it’s a wagon that he’s been wanting for five years. He asks for it from all the main guys of the holidays from George Washington, from the Easter bunny, from the ghosts, and he never gets it and finally, he gets this beautiful red wagon that he can climb in and he sees a little note on it. He picks it up and he sees it and It says “Timothy, I didn’t get to speak with you enough and I think we had a bad misunderstanding. I think now you have somewhat of a bad misconception of Christmas or at least Satanic Dirt Santa, which is me. I think that we should talk sometime. I was trying to message you all night and I think that we could be really good friends. And I think you should change your mind about Christmas. I don’t expect you to completely forgive my dirt face with this wagon but I think that you may have somewhat of a different look at what Christmas is. Love, Satanic Dirt Santa” Timothy the mini was sitting there and automatically his mind is changed. He’s like “Wow, I didn’t give Satanic Dirt Santa a chance. Christmas is lovely after all. AH!” Timothy the mini was happy now. He wasn’t as disappointed as he was before and he looked at his parents and he was like “Oh, mom Oh, dad.. You guys are good! And I love Satanic Dirt Santa and Christmas is just so great! I love it! It’s just it fills me with joy!” And his parents say “Well, we’re glad, Timothy. We’re glad that Christmas can fill you with joy the way it did with us many years ago when we fell down that same hole in the ground to Dirt Santa. THE END